I have now entered into my fourth month of CGA. Looking back, I can see where the past three months have been a season of brokenness.
I use the term brokenness because I have realized in many moments of self-awareness how broken I am.
In CGA I have learned a lot about my personality traits, coping mechanisms, people-pleasing strategies, and struggle tendencies when in conflict or under pressure.
For example, it has been brought to my awareness that if something is wrong or if I am hurt, I pretend everything is okay.
Why?
I don’t want to show my brokenness because I feel like if others saw my mess, they will avoid or reject me.
Why?
I don’t want to be rejected.
Why?
I fear rejection.
Why?
I place my worthiness in the acceptance of others.
Why?
I don’t have my heart and focus on my Abba who tells me I am worthy of His acceptance and love.
More often than not, when I become aware of an unhealthy trait of mine, after asking about five whys, I can find the root of that trait. It’s ALWAYS some disconnection I have from my Abba.
In Genesis 3, Adam and Eve sinned by eating the fruit. Abba is not affiliated with sin, so when they sinned, it brought disconnection. In their sin, they realized they were naked, felt shame, and sewed fig leaves to cover themselves.
I DO THIS TOO.
Okay, I’m not physically covering myself with fig leaves. But I am covering my struggles, sin, and pain with fig leaves.
When Abba found Adam and Eve hiding, He asked, “Who told you that you were naked?”
Being real, vulnerable, and naked is not a bad thing. In fact, Abba loves us that way.
The enemy whispers lies to me saying, “You should hide your struggles and pain. No one wants to see your hurt. You won’t be accepted if you show your mess. Being naked is not okay, you need to cover yourself.”
THIS IS SHAME.
SHAME IS FROM THE ENEMY.
ABBA HATES SHAME.
So Abba asks me, “Who told you to be ashamed?” He can see through my fig leaves. He does not see my pain and struggle as a bad thing, He sees me as beautiful.
When my brokenness is revealed, Abba fills the cracks with His love. He wants me to be naked because that is where I connect with Him.
He also wants me to share my brokenness with others so that it will create connection with them too. He created us to be in community. Community is connection.
So this is not a blog announcing that I have become a nudist. I am however, striving to be more vulnerable with my Abba and my community.
I am now resisting shame, stripping one fig leaf at a time.
